after all, what is "me"? right now it feels like everything is a struggle against my own body, my own mind, even my own emotions. my own predisposition and limitations as a human being. the structure and fabric of human society and relationships. perhaps even my own cognitive and emotional biases.
when I take away the struggles, it almost seems like there's nothing left, other than the residue of greatness I have absorbed from the people around me. the dead, more than the living... or maybe that's another emotional bias I'm struggling with.
has it always been like this? or have I been gradually shrinking, atrophied, under the cover of my disguise?
when I look back, the only things I see that are truly me seem to be the fight. is that it? is that all?
it's hard to say. some times, it's hard to think about.
but if I don't fight, however hollow a life of fighting may seem, I'll probably lose the only bits of myself I can currently see.
it reminds me of that scene in Kill Bill, when Uma Thurman, having woken up from months or years of coma, spends what seems like an eternity trying to wiggle her big toe.
once she did that, she knew everything else was possible.
"wiggle your big toe"
3 comments:
An old comment on my old blog led me to this updated link and I wanted to say hello again, old friend. I think we’re facing the collective weight of the world and its shared misery during the pandemic - yes, even now. ‘Wiggle your big toe’ was a ray of light in this ardous labouring.
Hello, "Idea"! It's been so long, and wihle things seem to have returned to normal(ish) after the pandemic from my perspective, life seems to throw me unpleasant surprises at a more rapid rate than before! Ironically, just a few hours after that post, a close family member suffered a significant health setback and dealing with that has taken centrestage - this blog post seems like a mirage of an age gone by, when things seemed normal in comparison.
@Kris: I’m sorry to hear about your family member. I hope that they’re getting the treatment and healing they need.
It’s bizarre to me that the world seems to be going about as if the pandemic never happened and I wonder if I was the only one hit. I guess everyone is coping in their own ways, some not visible to me.
Also, I’m on my own domain now and not anonymous in any way anymore. Say hi when you’re free! -> https://ramyapandyan.com
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