dead

i was dead.

i was in a house, but it didn't look familiar. the house seemed rural, with its sloped roof, thick walls and old paint job.

i was young.

i can't say how young, but much younger than I am today. not young enough to be a child though.

i was lying on something. it could have been a stretcher, or it could have been a coffin.

dad and kevin were there.

they were pottering about, moving small things around the room, probably setting it in order for the wake.

they didn't really pay much attention to me for some time. at one point, they discussed what would be a suitable location to place me. they decided i should be moved to the other side of the room and face the other way.

once they set me down in my new location, i felt a wave of emotions. it felt like all the emotions i've ever experienced in my life, all layering themselves one on top of the other. this barely took an instant, and before i could even realize what was happening, the layering of emotions was complete - i now felt the sum total of every emotion i've felt in every moment my life.

i felt sad. just slightly sad, but still, sad.

i didn't want to feel sad. i wanted to feel something else.

but then i realized, my life is over. nothing more is going to happen to me. if the sum total of my life is to feel sad, i must feel sad.

i said "i feel sad"

it didn't seem like a spoken voice. more like a transmission of thoughts that had verbal form.

dad and kevin immediately left what they were doing and peered at my face.

one of them (i can't remember who) suggested they video call my cousins.

kevin took his phone and did something with it. a few seconds later, he held the phone with the screen facing me, on a video call. aunt lilian and uncle jude were on the call. i heard kevin ask if gillian was around. they said gillian was next door, playing at the neighbours'.

while they spoke, i thought about what i wanted to say.

i started off wanting to say that everyone should live with no regrets.

i then thought, what else do i want to say? would anyone hear me? would they care? would it matter? is one of my cousins going to take out a notepad and scribble every word? would they be able to keep up? would they get bored after the first few sentences?

and then i thought: it seemed weird that i wanted to say anything at this moment. what could i say now that i haven't said before?

that's when mom walked into the room, looking at me as she walked.

everything - my thoughts, my vision quickly faded to blankness.

and that's when i woke up.

i shook shruti awake and told her i dreamed i was dead.

i told her i feel sad.

pain

it's possible it's selective memory, but this week feels like the first time in my life i'm in this weird sort of general physical pain. it's a pain affecting the upper right quarter of my body, neck down, mid back up all the way along my right arm to my fingertips. the strangest thing about the pain is that i can't do anything to get any relief from it - the pain's about the same whether i'm moving or still, sitting, standing, lying down, stretching, walking, cycling. it's not even unbearable - but it's there.

it's got to a point where it's driving me crazy. i haven't been able to sleep because my entire night is spent finding a lower-pain position. at one point in the middle of last night, i actually got off the bed and sat on the floor, resting my forehead against the bed, because it felt better for a few seconds.

tonight, i'm half considering doing push-ups until i collapse from exhaustion or something like that. either way, it isn't going to end well.

worst of all, this is not the only physical problem i'm enduring at the moment. i stubbed my toe badly on sunday, and it's still painful to walk or put on footwear - but if i stay still for too long, my toe pain subsides and is replaced with stiffness, which isn't great, but is better than pain. so overall, lying in bed means i'm in a lower pain state than out and about. in fact, that's the reason i took monday off sick, and rested for most of tuesday as well - but apparently spending too much time in bed gives me a headache. more pain. sigh.

i'm just going crazy with pain.

so crazy, that i'm half wondering if it's real pain or some sort of phantom pain that i can just self-hypnotize myself into ignoring. but then mom warned me that she once injured her ankle and went to work for 3 days when she was advised to rest - and that ended up with her in bed for 3 months while she recovered. not a pleasant thought for me.

i would also like a massage to know in case that helps, but i don't think i'll be able to get one.

worst of all, here in the UK, one can't just go to a doctor and get oneself seen to. i have to first call up and get an appointment. the line only opens at 8:30am and appointments for the entire day are given out at that point. every attepmt to do so in the past year has been met with the same result: i stay on hold for an hour, and give up. if i immediately call again i get a response saying all the appointments for the day have been given out. the system is so broken i haven't spoken to a doctor in months - it's cure by attiriton. by the time you manage to speak to a doc your problem has gone away. which means i may just have to live in pain.

ps: i also cut my thumb today, but that's not bad. barely even hurts.