one glance at my phone screen that silently glowed in the darkness of the bedside table told me I have a new message. it was mom, telling me she didn't call me as she didn't check her phone before going to bed. it told me she was awake.
I took my phone from the bedroom to the couch downstairs and called her. she answered right away. we spoke for an hour. we spoke about how I can't sleep as my feet are aching and my eyes are burning. she told me what new exercises she's added to her morning regime to keep her chronic backache from getting worse. we spoke about arbitrary things. after half an hour I told her I should go back to bed even though I'm sleepy. it took half an hour to say goodbye. at some point it stopped being a goodbye and just was an extension of the conversation.
I told her I want to spend time with her while she's healthy and able to enjoy it. I told her I'm sad that I didn't get as much time with dad as I'd have liked and I don't want the same to happen with her.
I told her I love her and miss her.
I don't remember when's the last time I told her I love her and miss her. I don't think she remembered either.
at that moment, I wanted and needed to hug her more than I have wanted and needed to hug her since the last time I did.
she hung up.
I want to sleep. my thoughts won't let me.
I've spent the last 42 minutes, half in tears, listening to Baz Luhrmann. one song on repeat: wear sunscreen.
one line struck me every time the song looped:
"The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4 PM on some idle Tuesday"
it's 3:47am on Wednesday but it's still a blindside.
I want a hug from my mom. Nothing else will do today.
But I don't think I'm going to start wearing sunscreen.
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