aches

 a few years ago, I remember the day, after one long ride, I got home, depressed.

told wifey that this feels like it's the end of the line for me. the end of everything i feel brings fulfillment to my life.

i had my first post-ride backache.

i don't remember where the ride was from, or how that happened (probably bad posture caused by having a tent or something between us on the seat), but i do remember how i felt: a bad back was the end of riding the way i love. throw everything on, hop on, and ride off, just taking care of sleep and hydration until i arrived at my destination.

I didn't want to be one of those guys who only rides solo, or needs a backup vehicle, or takes his motorcycle out twice a year and takes a day off work after i'm back to recover. to me, that would have been the end of all things fun.

luckily for me, shruti convinced me i was overreacting, and that it was a one-off, and i believed her.

she also suggested core-strengthening exercises, but i didn't quite bother with those. anyway.

the last few weeks have brought the same thoughts back to me.

vicki has been out of action for the last few weeks (over a month, actually!).

and right after that, I have been put out of action myself.

it started with a strange ache in my right shoulder, extending down the shoulder blade. just the right side.

a few days of being attentive to my posture while working from home helped greatly, and I recovered after about a week. which was a lot longer than it's taken me to recover from any ache so far!

two good weeks later, I woke up with an extremely bad neck. so bad, that I literally couldn't get out of bed till 4pm, and even then I was in such intense pain I had to be helped out.

I literally couldn't move.

I tried everything from stretching, moving my head as much as I could (which wasn't much), etc. Since it happened while I was asleep, I assumed it was something with my sleeping posture. Shruti insisted it was due to bad posture while working.

The next day, I was a little more careful about how I slept, but there was barely any improvement. I did manage to get out of bed and get a whole day's work done though. Also hit the gym for an "upper body" day, which helped things somewhat.

It's been two weeks now, and it's a constant battle of sleeping extremely carefully (even the slightest bad move results in excruciating pain an hour later) - the complete opposite of my entire life so far.

Even when I'm sitting at the PC, if I'm in one spot for an hour, or have a cushion in the wrong spot - literally anything less than perfect - I'm in pain again.

I don't know if it's just an injury that will take a while to recover from, or if I'm going to have to make a permanent lifestyle change.

Either way, it is a very depressing thought.

I just hope I'm overreacting, like I was a few years ago.

static

 I realize most of life is cyclical. Ups and downs. Never a straight line. A dynamic equilibrium.

Seasons are cyclical too.

And this pandemic is turning out to be more cyclical than initially imagined.

But there are times when things do not seem cyclical.

Halfway on the way up of the cycle, just before things start to taper off, we probably don't care much. Things are great, sure, and even if the upward trajectory seems like it will flatten out, it's still great, right?

Things are different on the downturn though.

Things are going downhill, fast.

The trajectory is headed straight down, with no apparent force to bring things back to flat.

But as things go downhill, the feedback should start to kick in. Shouldn't it?

Survival instinct is a label for so much more than it might seem like on the surface.

At what point does too much of a good thing become a bad thing?

How do you turn too much of a good thing, that's become a bad thing, back into a good thing?

Is it really about the good thing or the bad thing?

Time continues to move at its constant pace, while my perception of it seems to slow down. Days, weeks, months lived without a trace. And all this while, what seemed like things going OK is actually more like dropping at terminal velocity, giving the impression that nothing is moving.

I don't think I have ever spent such a long period of time just... static.

Not moving.

Not thinking.

Not anything.

And the funny thing is, I know what can help me.

I need to get off the couch and drink a glass of water.

Stretch my legs.

And m shoulders. Damn, my shoulders need a stretch!

Take out the trash.

Fill some air in the bike.

But I'd rather not.

And that's what worries me.