use your illusion

yesterday, i was having a conversation with a friend, and she was talking about how she feels bound by the illusion that society judges her for everything. and then conversation turned towards how we generally are bound by illusions.

the conversation ended (or rather, we got distracted by other more important things, and just left it hanging there).

but i was left thinking about my illusions. i tried peeling away the illusions layered on my reality.

and then suddenly, there was a flash.

i saw life, without illusion.

i didn't see anything.

if i had to describe it, i would describe what i "sensed" as a flash of pure energy. i felt transcendent.

but then, as soon as i sensed it, i started layering my illusions over it. the energy turned into a flash of light. a flash that quickly glowed and then faded. the light was white. the light had some physical size. it had a physical location. although i don't recall the moment or the process of separation, the light was no longer me. as the light faded, in that fraction of a moment, the illusion that i call my reality started superimposing itself on what i sensed. it was a strange hallucinogenic vision, that just hinted at its presence and faded into what my eyes told me i saw, before leaving me completely.

i turned to google and searched "can a single photon be detected" for some random reason. i don't remember what was the answer google gave me.

i tried to zone back into that moment. i thought it would be quite easy. but i didn't quite get there.

i saw the white light. but now there were weirder illusions superimposed. the light looked more like an ellipsoidal opaque white glow hanging over the road next to JVLR flyover, of all places. but the light was distinct from me. it wasn't me at all. i was simply an observer.

everything just seemed so random and meaningless.

somewhere in the back of my mind, i made a note to myself: these are my illusions. and i have just proven to myself that i need my illusions, because what i saw without illusion was some sort of abstract thing. if it was me, it was a sort of me that didn't feel like i existed. and suddenly, it felt like i was not ready for the transcendence.

a few hours later, it so happened that another friend was talking about him standing by his convictions instead of illusions. i described my vision, and my observation that i seem to be bound to my illusions. his reply got me thinking:

"that abstract and non linear outburst of energy is called self realization. The key is whether you are able to sustain to that feeling!"

and he's right. but i'm not ready to sustain that feeling, because i still have no idea what to do with it. maybe someday...

alice in wonderland

(guest post by shruti)

Planning and dreaming about our wedding and the life after it, i can't help thinking about how marriage changes life. Although I am not married yet, I am sensing the future in store for me already. With each passing day, I can absorb the vibes of marriage around me. Increasing number of responsibilities, responsibility for marriage preparations - wedding cards, make up artists, DJ etc. Responsibility with money. I have to get used to the feeling that I can no more splurge on self and that I have to contribute towards home expenses. I have to see to it that the spices and grains and other food items are well stocked and that we do not run out of food when guests arrive. I will be the lady of the house and have to be a good host - friendly, soft spoken, charming and warm. I will have to budget my expenses and most importantly stick to my budget and allocation to each expense. I can no more bank on my parents' free hospitality that I so enjoyed for almost 32 years.

I have suddenly realized that FREEDOM (one thing I desperately wished for so many years) comes at a huge price. This price is being RESPONSIBLE. Responsible for your actions, words and choices. I have realized that every choice I make is setting stone in the path to my future. I am no more protected or cocooned.

Luckily for me, I have found a partner who unlike me doesn't shy away from his responsibilities. He is ready to take on the world with whatever it has to offer. Maturity helps you see. I think I was just a small kid at heart who refused to shun that garb under childish behaviour and is now forced to take on the mantle of multiple roles and enter the world of adulthood. Alice in Wonderland has grown up!