it's not "working out"

a little under three months ago, I decided I'm gonna put all procrastination behind me and join a gym. the office gym seemed the most likely candidate, as I've already tried gyms near home, and that didn't work out well for me. in fact, today is the last day of my 3 year membership of a local gym, which I used (cumulatively) for about a month.

at first, it seemed all circumstances were conspiring against me. I took my gym bag and shoes to office, filled the online sign up form, and after a few days of procrastination, actually went to the gym on a monday evening... only to be turned away by the person in charge, as the gym was shutting for two weeks for renovation, starting Wednesday. and i was going for a week long vacation the very day the gym reopened. so, that day, I made a public announcement that I was going to join gym on April 1st.

finally, the appointed day arrived. I took my change of clothes and shoes, which had been lying in office for a month, and signed up. the evaluation took too long and I was going to push it for the next day as I was about to miss the office bus, but i decided I had to be tough with myself about this. and so, I finished my evaluation and a short jog on the treadmill, and reached home super late, but happy. I had finally started.

I went to gym for all of April. I went in the evening, I went in the morning. I started carrying a second tiffin for my post workout meal. I even started cooking my second tiffin myself, as it was super boring to eat the same thing twice a day.

I started following my diet faithfully.

and despite the burden on my schedule (i didn't have time for anything else at all), I was enjoying it. gym was fun, I could see very obvious improvement to my strength, stamina and overall well being. people even complimented me on my improved looks, and although I'm not convinced there was any noticeable change, I accepted the compliments graciously and happily.

I thought I was falling into a rhythm of sorts, even though I was somewhat sleep deprived and very short on personal time. I started figuring solutions to the various things that were causing friction in this new found lifestyle. couple of my friends joined too, seeing my enthusiasm.

for the first time in my life, it seemed to be working out. and it did, for precisely a month.

someone told me that if you do something for 21 days, it becomes a habit for life.

that person was wrong.

precisely one month later, one Monday (may 2), i missed gym, as I had to come late to work and leave late, and i gave my bike to the mechanic on the way.

the next day, I had to leave early to pick up the bike from the mechanic before he shut.

I don't even remember what happened the day after that.

but I do know that I have a change of clothes that have been lying untouched in my desk in office for precisely a month.

there have been days when I've even cooked my second tiffin and taken it to work, but taken it back home (or worse, ate it before leaving office).

I just don't know how i managed to miss gym for a whole month. and most of those days I even set off from home will all intent to go.

and i don't care either.

I'm going back to gym today. without my second tiffin.

and this time, I won't stop.

but the fact remains, i still don't know how.

faith_ful

you know that thing they say, that "men will be men" and suchlike? i think it's either wrong, or if i'm somehow different from all other men in committed relationships, it doesn't apply to me.

that's right, i can't bring myself to look at another woman lustfully again. and the reason is simple.

first of all, nobody is perfect. so yes, she isn't perfect either. there are things i'd like, that she isn't. there are things i want, that she doesn't (or maybe doesn't want to) give. some of those things i know others can give. but that doesn't tempt me.

because, i've had my chances. and nothing ever worked out. and i've made my peace with that, and my conclusion that nothing else will ever work.

human nature is complex. we don't fully understand the underlying correlations. maybe the combination of what i have and what i want is some sort of inherent contradiction that makes it impossible? or maybe what appeals to me is not what i really want? or maybe what i want is not what i need? or what i need is something that i don't realize yet? or maybe *i* am not compatible with what i want (yeah, i'm not as like-able as i initially appear to be, and that's not too like-able to begin with :D).

and so, i've made my peace with the has-been and could-be. they don't appeal to me anymore.

being in love is a full time occupation. if i start focusing my energy somewhere else, i certainly won't have enough left to complete this one relationship that matters the most to me.

and that is why, i vow to be faithful. because anything else would be a waste of my life.

bridge over troubled waters

I have been riding solo for a while. I spent a weekend camping alone at a beach long ago.

but recent times have been different. I've been sucked into chaos. the turbulence has been overwhelming. the urge to get away from it all has never been this strong.

I sought solitude. or else.

things were reaching breaking point. I was scared by the solutions I was considering.

luckily for me, everything wasn't black and white.

people understood. the ones who mattered, at least.

and so, one weekend, against all odds, headache and protesting bike notwithstanding, I set off.

I was grossly underprepared. water, food, ipod, and little else. but i had to do this, my way.

my way was the highway.

I started walking.

I was surprised by how deficient just one feeble torch and two tired eyes could be.

halfway, I found a resting spot. I didn't really need to rest. but i needed a pause. all the way, I had been considering my alternatives. did I need to do this? the headache is getting worse. the water isn't going to last. have I subconsciously been planning a one way trip?

I stared blankly at the moon above and the lights below. shut out my thoughts.

life is a one way trip.

we return, but we're not the same.

blankly, i resumed walking.

every step seemed easier if I didn't let my mind weigh me down.

and then I reached the top.

breathed a sigh of relief.

there were people there.

said hi to one of them. but he was on his phone and couldn't care less.

I was disappointed.

I wanted to be alone. I wanted company. I had neither.

there was space for everyone. I found my spot, far enough to not be seen, but near enough to hear.

and in that disappointment, I found my space.

I wasn't hungry. I wasn't thirsty. I wasn't sleepy. I was tired.

nature was comforting. the grass and the breeze were familiar territory. I made my bed and tried to sleep.

I couldn't.

the headache worsened. there was music and talking in the distance.

I reminded myself I've slept in worse places.

my eyes shut, hesitantly.

they opened a few hours later.

the moon had set. the stars were out. the voices were distant.

the headache had gone.

the world was beautiful again.

I felt like myself again.

I wanted to run around.

I wanted to go home. I felt ready to go home.

the sky mesmerised me. I reminded myself that I am going home tomorrow. but i couldn't contain my joy. I had to share it.

I called her and told her I love her.

I don't know if it sounded like the almost perfunctory three words we say ever so often. but it wasn't.

I wasn't tired any more.

the voices in the distance reminded me of what I hold dear. they sang songs of love and friendship. and my heart joined the chorus. the stars joined the chorus. the breeze joined the chorus.

I didn't want to sleep any more.

I shifted from a shelter to a vantage.

I wasn't hiding from the world any more.

this rock is harder than the grasssy shelter I thought was my spot.

but I'm on top of the world now.

I am myself again.

Simon and Garfunkel chime in.

"When you're weary
Feeling small
When tears are in your eyes
I will dry them all

I'm on your side

When times get rough
And friends just can't be found
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down

When you're down and out
When you're on the street
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you
I'll take your part
When darkness comes
And pain is all around

Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down"

meta memories

until yesterday, I never noticed that I associate all my favorite songs with rain. I guess I have more than my fair share of happy times associated with rain (treks, rides, birthdays, and more). and rain even goes well with blasting loud music at home.

also, since memories are subjective, it's easy to confuse them, and as I realized yesterday, to even make them up.

I was listening to a song on loop, and it suddenly turned overcast outside, and I thought to myself: this song and rain, perfect! it reminded me of some generic rainy day.

but then I thought to myself: I've only heard this song two weeks ago, so it can't possibly be connected to rain. if anything, it should be associated with sunny weather (it's positively blazing, these days!) and yet, the association with rain has been created, and is probably going to be reinforced in a month.

and so, that's how it is: all my favourite things are associated with rain.