changes

i deleted my last post, for reasons i'll not get into here. let's just say that certain relationships have apparently asserted themselves to be more important that my freedom of expression. and while some friends have called me everything from pussy-whipped to spineless, others have simply reminded me that they still look to my writing for inspiration.

it's weird. on one hand, my knee-jerk reaction was to shut my blog (yes, that "suicide-note" post is still in my drafts), and on the other hand, people are already judging me for bending my principles. and i'm left wondering if i'll continue to inspire others if i can't be true to myself.

the decision is a difficult one, but i've decided to continue.

and so, my blog has changed.

it's no longer the unfiltered me.

i guess i'm a little spineless after all. i'd rather compromise than give up.

and i'm beginning to make my peace with this decision. and i'm beginning to wonder what else will have to change.

i'm beginning to wonder if, maybe, just like i can be true to myself without profanity (yeah, my blog language has gotten a lot more kindergarten-friendly over the years), i can also be true to myself while keeping certain thoughts off the blog. i realize that i didn't feel any emotional turmoil with my decision to keep ill-feelings towards people off the blog, even when i was seething (or even worse, on the verge of a breakdown) due to those feelings.

i'm beginning to wonder if the filtered me *is* me.

i'm wondering if it's time to admit i've lived behind a mask, and probably always will, because it always felt like the world was not ready to accept me the way i am.

i think it's time to remind myself that everyone lives behind their masks, and the only thing different about this new layer is that it has been externally prompted. maybe it's time to be thankful that i've gotten this far without having to feel this way.

i wonder if it's lucky that i've had so much freedom that i can feel the slightest bit of it being given up.

when i look back, i see that i haven't really changed at all.

2016

this year started under very different circumstances from the usual. in a different country. with just shruti, and nobody else that I knew. people say that travelling to a different country changes you. maybe sri lanka is so similar to India that it doesn't apply there, but i didn't really feel any major difference. what did feel different was the experience of exploring a new place with shruti. all our prior travel has been to places I've been to before, so i knew exactly what to expect while I led her along.

exploring sri lanka with shruti was a different experience though.

we weren't cut off from the rest of the world. if anything, we were more connected than we usually were, thanks to this 2gb data pack which was literally the minimum available.

but we chose to switch off. to take in the places, sights and sounds, knowing that it's unlikely we'll be there again.

starting the year with shruti was amazing. it set the tone for the rest of the year. and hopefully, before this year is over, I can say that the rest of our lives will be spent together.

and that's what 2016 seems like it will be about, God willing.