excited

the things we believe in, have power over us
-kris, many times over

it used to be funny, how everything falls into place together. but now, it's just a calm sort of beautiful. I remember the times when things going awesomely would scare me, because I would take it as a warning that everything was about to fall apart. i believed (and still believe) that everything balances itself. but I'm not scared anymore. I think I've stopped being scared of the future. not because i don't think terrible things can or will happen, but because I feel that nothing can be truly terrible anymore. I have realized that every moment prepares me for the next, and it looks like I'm being prepared for something great.

I know that the world doesn't see me like I see myself, and i'm quite sure that my idea (illusion to some, maybe) of greatness is eclipsed by the lives of the people I look up to, but I think I'm making steps in the right direction. i hope that, just like them, I stop seeing myself and those around me for what we are, but what we can be. it's not easy to break free from my boundaries of perception, into the realm of imagination.

my physical and social life is quite predictable, I think. unless something drastic is on its way, most aspects of my physical and social life seem to go on as planned, with a few blips here and there, a few unknown variables.

what I have never really tried to predict though, is my mind.

I used to think I'm slowing down, but I realize now that it's just a matter of perception. as i pile on years of thought, there is a momentum. but even though it's more difficult to be as nimble as I used to be, I have sacrificed my agility for force. and though I'm happy how it's turned out so far, I realize there's absolutely no way I can predict what's going to happen next.

i can't change the world, but i can change my world. and as I find better ways to do it, better reasons to do it, better ways to enjoy the results of change, i'm getting happier at leaving things behind. sometimes for others to find, but most of the time, just because I don't need them anymore.

life has never seemed this exciting before.

eye2eye

travelling by public transport is much more interesting than the office bus. somehow people in the office bus inevitably end up sleeping. also, Mumbai AC buses have weird seating with plenty of rear facing seats, so there are always people to look at.

still, most people either stare vacantly or fixatedly at one or a few things, with a passive expression on. they're either blank or hiding behind a mask.

not this one lady though. her big brown eyes were constantly shifting, and she seemed to be actually focusing on her surroundings, even though I couldn't tell what it was all around us that she was constantly focusing on. her eyes would dart around, twitch, stare, follow things around that I couldn't see. there was barely a still moment with them.

but what was more startling were her expressions. she'd be constantly switching between a frown, a scowl, a little twitch of the mouth, a grimace, half a smile, and an expression that could be best described as momentary surprise. i still cannot conceive what would make someone run through the entire gamut of facial expressions in less than a minute, and keep at it for half an hour, while standing in the aisle of a bus.

it was as if she was dreaming with her eyes open.

we finally made eye contact. we stared at each other unflinchingly for a couple of seconds. she, with a scowl, and me, with my poker face. I wanted to show her what I just wrote about her eyes, but she twitched her lips, flicked her hair, and looked away momentarily, only to glance back. I shifted my gaze away.

her eyes no longer dart about. she now stares vacantly out of the bus window.

i guess she's awake again.

the long ride

there's comfort in the known, and 2014 was all about getting out of that zone.

pillion rides. there's something about them. something about having someone's complete trust for those few hundred km. something about balancing and packing their luggage. something about letting them sleep on the ride because they had a long day at work before the ride began, and we're now doing 800 km rides (my longest ride) with a pillion, because there's no point in breaking one personal record at a time. we ride on the indo-china border, battling mountain sickness because there's no point in living without risks.

and now, 2014 has closed. the joys are memories, and the regrets have been converted into philosophical milestones.

the moment we brought the year in stretches into eternity, and we wonder what forever feels like. but there was something about the last year. I burned some bridges. i let go. I changed some of what I am, towards what thought I should be.

but more than what I remember, i am reminded of how fleeting life is, and how important it is, to keep what you need permanent, and be prepared to let go of the rest. it feels both awesome and scary to see what that will do to my life and what I imagined it would have been.

2015 brings more than just dreams for me. it brings promises. it brings things I never imagined, things I feel more ready for than ever before.