the moment that couldn't be right

yesterday morning, i was heading home by train from my friend's place. surprisingly, bandra station was almost deserted for 8am, with no line for the tickets at all

i headed to the nearest counter, and dug in my pocket for change for the fare.

a beggar sitting below the window begged for a coin or two.

i shrugged him off.

and then dropped a coin, almost into his outstretched palm.

he offered to return it.

i shook my head. he kept it, expressionless.

my initial rationalization (at the moment i agreed to let him keep the coin) was that it was probably his luck or fate that caused me to drop the coin, so he kinda deserved it.

but then i realized that i also felt bad about taking money from a beggar.

as i walked away, i also felt i had been somehow disrespectful towards the beggar. it's one thing to give someone a coin (however misplaced the charity may be, as i believe, when it comes to beggars), but it's another to drop it on the ground and have him pick it up.

it felt as if i grudged the beggar his 1 buck.

i just don't know, i still can't think of anything i could have done, or any way to rationalize my course of action.