consensual sex

warning for linux fanboys and those easily offended by innuendo: this post may not be for you. no comments about either os will be entertained. this is my personal opinion, made a little more extreme for conversational humor purposes.

i'm sure some people love anal rape too. call me a microsoft fanboy, but i prefer consensual sex with women :D

- kris, on twitter

if you're scratching your head in confusion, here's the entire conversation taken verbatim from my twitter timeline:

b: Logging into Windows after a pretty long time.
b: (to someone else) I am so taken in with Ubuntu that Windows looks positively dowdy. Not to mention a lot less powerful
k: i never log out of windows. windows mobile that is. microsoft FTW!!! okay, i'm just trolling :P
b: (to someone else): I am using BCM4312, according to lshw. And as I am using a laptop I can't replace it. So guess have to go by the emu route, Thnks
k: windows may look dowdy, but i don't need to worry about the serial numbers of the chips on my NICs :D
b: No gain without some pain man.Especially for stuff that is gratis.
k: true, but what i dislike is the advertisement of the gain & absence of pain followed by the pulling of the rug from below your feet :D
b: Which rug?
k: the support rug. i'm bitching about linux. assumed you were talking about it when you said "No gain without some pain" :D
b: Yeah...sure sometimes it is a big pain in the butt to hunt all sorts of stuff in forums.Bit if you have time and interest its fun
k: yeah, i'm sure some people love anal rape too. call me a microsoft fanboy, but i prefer consensual sex with women :D
b: configuring linux=anal rape? using MS= consensual sex? Then my fight to fix Wifi in MS makes this consensual thing scary.
k: okay, i guess i coloured my metaphors a little too much. but are you saying that it's easier to configure wifi on linux than windows?

(my impromptu reply, which i discarded in favour of the last tweet was: "even consensual sex could get painful once in a while, no? :D")

Comedy of tragedy

Ever laughed at an accident? It's probably not something you wanna be caught doing, and it's probably gonna impact your karma score too, but some incidents just beg it.

Like today afternoon. The flyover leading to the western express highway. A truck bumped a car from behind rather badly. I rode up to them just as the car owner finished delivering his choicest curses, sat in the car and drove off. Realised something was wrong and stopped a few feet ahead. Just as the truck started moving and flattened his car's silencer into a sheet, and then stopped a couple of metres ahead.

I wish i had recorded it on video...or atleast photo. Ultimate pwnage by the truck driver!!!

candy camouflage

i just ate a candy cane for breakfast...it was the first candy cane i received last christmas (yeah, it survived over a month!!!), but identical to another cane, which i had a tryst with about a month ago:

nicky gave me this candy cane (yeah, the same one i just ate) a week before christmas, and made me promise not to eat it till christmas. since i was already busy "tasting" mom's under-progress christmas sweets, it wasn't that hard anyway. so i stashed it away in the fridge, with the warning to everyone else in the house that that candy cane is **MINE** :)

christmas day arrived. few presents (i'm not quite the gifting sort, and people tend to figure that into their gift-buying decisions after a few christmases :D), but lots of sweets. so much, that some of them had to be stashed away into the fridge because *there was no place in the kitchen*!!! well anyway, one evening i demanded sweets because i was hungry. and so mom dutifully dug into the fridge and came out with a plateful.

the first thing i went for was the candy. how thoughtful of her, i thought. she remembered the candy cane is mine, i thought.

i looked at the cane. it was white with red and green stripes, your typical candy cane. it also had a small loop on top, presumably if you wanted to hang it somewhere and give the ants a jolly good time too. after all, isn't christmas about sharing?

the loop at the top was kinda hard, but bendable. not the expected consistency of candy. figured it could be a plastic add-on to the cane. looked for the point where it was attached. couldn't find any. probably a good job. maybe an expensive candy cane (thanks nicky!!!). imported or something, no?

anyway, i decided to start with the straight end and work my way to the (possibly) plasticky loop.

tried breaking the cane in half. it was pretty hard. decided, what the hell. i'm gonna eat it anyway.

bit off an inch of the cane.

succeeded.

and then failed.

it was a fucking plastic cane!!!

lesson learned: if a candy cane doesn't break easily enough in your hand, it's not to be eaten. by you, atleast.

ps: twitter says i thought i ate an identical cane prior to the plastic one...i guess that was my imagination, because i ate it 5 minutes ago :D

Recession times

A year ago, i wouldn't have believed my eyes. This is the inorbit food court at 1:30pm, or the peak of the lunchtime rush. Makes me wonder what it looks like at 3.

the president is coming

2 hours ago, my facebook status read:

Kristopher is rolling on the floor laughing at "the president is coming" :D

comment #1 read:

too much furor, no?

guess what. i wasn't talking about mr obama. i was talking about a movie that i was watching. and it was about...mr george w bush!!! my friend on the other hand thought i was laughing at obama's swearing in, which was also happening at the same time!!!

the movie was insanely funny. it's one of those urban indian comedies, the sort that are more english than hindi, and that typically use no more than 1 largish house (in this case, the basement of the american embassy in mumbai) as a set, but still are funnier than blockbuster comedies with budgets that threaten to touch billions of ruppees. it was so funny that my friend laughed through the interval and all the way out of the theater *and* inorbit at the end. he laughed so much that he could only communicate using sign language. the rest of us tried hard to control ourselves, but didn't quite succeed either.

what cracked me up though, was what i said to a friend of mine after the movie.

the (shortened) story:

i wanted to watch this movie for a long time. didn't have anybody to watch it with. till last weekend, when @wanderblah offered to watch it with me. and then today evening, i was forced to ditch that plan, because couple of my friends actually brought an extra ticket for me without asking.

so after the movie, (let's make up a name for @wanderblah: from now on i'll call her shirley) shirley tweeted that she actually was under the impression that i was gonna ditch them to watch the movie with her one of these days.

my reply got me so cracked up that i almost walked into a bush:

@wanderblah a movie ticket in hand is worth two in the bush...no puns intended :P

i think the word bush is gonna be instant laughter medicine for the rest of this week, if not more :D

Broke glass. Pressed here. Now what?

I just can't figure how this fire alarm in raghuleela mall is supposed to work...assuming it is supposed to work, that is :D

sex always loses. damn.

i've wanted to have sex but ended up fixing someone's comp instead. i've never wanted to fix someone's comp but had sex instead.

- kris, on twitter, one late night after a lot of wine

close your eyes, open your palm

me: close your eyes, open your palm

(with friend 1)
f1: no, i won't.
me: if you don't, you won't get something. open your palm.
f1: okay (opens palm)
me: now close your eyes
f1: uhhhh
me: come on!!!
f1: okay
me: see, that wasn't so bad after all, wasn't it?

(with friend 2)
f2: why?
me: just do it!
f2: no i won't!
me: oh come on!
f2: first tell me why
me: if you don't close your eyes and open your palm i won't give you something.
f2: no i won't.
me: alright, then i'm not giving it to you.
f2: okay.
me: seriously, i won't! (*walks away*)

i wonder what friend 2 was thinking. she just missed some fruit flavoured candy :)

i says

happened 2 minutes ago:

(insert arbitrary conversation here)
k: is that the good idea?
t: yup, it's a cool.

i wonder if the second line was intentional...if it was, that's the first time i've ever seen my manager make a grammatical mistake just because i did :D

the vacation feeling

i just discovered the best way to make my weekend more relaxing (if i'm spending it outside of home):

go out in shorts and slippers.

yeah, that just changes everything. maybe it's because i'm always wearing shorts at home and on vacation, or maybe just because they're so comfy and perfect for bombay weather (yeah, even the peak of "winter" :D)

it was a lazy saturday morning (the day before yesterday, to be precise). so lazy that i didn't get out of my sleeping clothes.

i went for a movie *alone* to inorbit (another first!!! yayyy!!!)

met a friend outside her place at d-mart for a few minutes.

picked up punkpolkadots at marve road.

biked to bandra.

roamed hill road while punkpolkadots shopped.

took a train to churchgate.

desserted at theobroma's.

was joined by arjun for a few beers at leo's.

roamed colaba causeway while punkpolkadots shopped (she's a very guy-friendly shopper - brought 3 skirts and a dress in 5 minutes, about the same time as it took me to take out money from a nearby atm :P). now that's nice!!!

took a fast train back to bandra. almost lost my shorts in the rush. thank god for secure undies!!! :P

picked up my bike, went to ivy at versova.

chilled out at ivy with aalaap and punkpolkadots till the wee hours of the morning (ivy has *nice* and super cheap wines, though i couldn't appreciate them with my stuffed nose :().

got lost and reached juhu beach.

finally reached home at 2:30am.

went to sleep. still in my sleeping clothes. (okay, i was exhausted...i'm not such a dirty fellow on normal days)

it was the most awesome day spent in bombay in my recent past!!! probably because i haven't spent a weekend in bombay in the recent past. or maybe also because of the shorts :D

next experiment: commando ;)

yes, please ignore this post too

i just don't get why some "friends" ignore me till i start going all melodramatic and emo. and that's even though they consider me a "good friend" and all.

cut the crap, i say!!!

if that's what i need to do whenever i need to get their attention, doesn't it seem logical that i'm just gonna start doing it more often?

i don't wanna be emo...and i hope no one else wants me to either.

please, folks. behave!!!

embarassment

i have this penchant for landing myself in strange situations...but yesterday took the cake: two incidents in the span of an hour!!!

scene 1:

outside orlem church. i had to go for the 7pm mass. i was 5 minutes early. i was so hungry i thought i would pass out. i had my lunch still packed in my bag (had gone to inorbit for lunch...friday woo hoo!!!). decided to eat it. realised i have no spoon, no napkins, nothing. just the tiffin box. decided to be as inconspicous as possible since it felt very weird eating my tiffin (chicken curry, btw) standing on a roadside.

opened my tiffin. picked out chicken pieces one by one. since they had tiny and partly edible bones, i started chewing them bones and all and eating them whole.

someone calls out to me. asks me if i'm the security guard.

i then realise i'm standing next to an atm. the corporation bank atm, to be precise.

he asks me how to use the atm.

i stuff all of the chicken in my mouth and hope he doesn't notice.

i then mumble that the atm is out of order (the light above the card slot isn't blinking).

thank heavens that guy didn't know me. i hope he never sees me again. in fact, i wish he never saw me ever. i wish i was a turtle so i cold have put my head into my shell or someplace he couldn't see me. seriously.

i felt like a school kid caught eating his tiffin under the bench, and stuffs the rest of it in his mouth because he doesn't know what to do with it, and is then summoned in front of the school headmaster and can't speak because he has a stuffed mouth. yes, that embarrassing. i bet you now know how i felt.

scene 2:

on my way home after aforementioned mass. traffic jam at a signal. i'm irritated cos i'm in a hurry to get home (it's my parents' anniversary, damnit!!!). small gap opens up. my bike stalls at the very same instant (don't ask why, it just happens...at the worst possible moment :P)

i started up the bike in a hurry (yes, i've finally fixed the electric starter :D), and revved it. just as this woman appears from behind an adjacent sumo and bang in front of my bike.

apparently, while starting, i revved the bike way too much because that woman (she seemed to be the nervous sort who talks to herself when startled...dunno if you've met the sort) actually tried to scream "OH MY GOD!!!", but was so startled that she couldn't actually make a sound...so what resulted was a silent lip synch (more like a throat synch, really) at point blank range. i said sorry to her and she was even more embarrassed knowing that i saw her expression. what resulted was a really weird moment with both of us staring embarrassedly at each other, until the cars behind us started honking :P

oh and something else also happened, but i can't remember it now so i shall not count it. two events in an evening are more than enough :D

goa and back

it's so funny how riding to goa and back doesn't even feel like an achievement, even though it was my first time. i guess i've been doing too many long rides of late :D



the ride to goa via nh4 was amazing...as was the ride back (atleast, the part after sunrise - can't really say much for riding in pitch darkness, though it was fun too, but of a different sort).

there were a lot of picture perfect views along the way, especially in the katraj area (outside pune) and at the amboli ghat. unfortunately i was too busy riding to click any pics :(



oh and the ride was super cold - i look bloated because i was wearing atleast 5 layers of clothes!!!

lazy

there are two ways to enjoy a vacation:

by making sure you always have something you're supposed to do, or by just doing whatever you please.

the former is good for your photo album, but nothing can beat the latter when it comes to getting back your energy to face life on monday morning :)

welcome!!!

2008 was a great year, a year of many firsts and a few seconds too...a year of embracing the present, letting go of the past (but not letting it out of my sight), but regrettably, of not looking to the future.

2009 merits a hearty celebration because it comes with a resolution that is worth it.

cheers to 2009!!!