i'm your best friend

i never realised how big an ego i had for a very long time. it stayed a well kept secret (from myself at first, and then from just the rest of the world) for many years. i've finally come to accept and publicly acknowledge it, but that took a lot of time and introspection and battling of mysterious things inside my head.

the weirdest thing about my ego is that my friends refuse to accept that it exists till i lay it out and dissect my behaviour to atom-sized particles.

for example (and this is just one of many), quite a few of my friends think of me as helpful. i'm the sort who will go out of my way to help my friends when they need it, talk them through their worries at the cost of my sleep, travel for a couple of hours to meet them just because they're lonely, all just for them.

it's not because i'm a nice guy.

it's because i want to be their best friend.

i learned this about myself the hard way. i learned this from the few incidents when i've actually been acting hurt and even downright unfriendly and unreasonable and tantrummy, just because someone who i'd do anything for didn't confide in me about a big decision she was about to make, a crisis that i didn't hear about.

if i want to be your friend (and friend is not the same as aquaintance) i won't like being anything other than your best friend. ditto for being your computer fixer, music guide, vacation buddy, you name it.